I’ve been going through a lot of emotions lately and I’m not even completely sure what those emotions are. I could keep quiet and pretend that I’m strong even though I released some pretty personal things recently, but that would defeat the purpose of why I released those things at all. There’s no set formula for #healing that works for everyone, but part of my formula was most definitely allowing the secret of my childhood #abuse to come out. I don’t think I fully attached it to myself until I said it out loud. I disassociated my current self from those memories. I didn’t validate my own pain because I didn’t even acknowledge what had happened to me. The immediate feeling of releasing that secret was closure. I wasn’t anxious or embarrassed. I felt proud of myself, but those are only the immediate feelings I felt on stage in Seguin, Texas.
Afterwards, I was able to connect with siblings and my mother who I didn’t grow up with. I gave myself permission to be close to them. I even met a plethora of family members shortly after (the past few days). I felt like the hole inside of me was starting to heal.
All of those big steps in my healing process resulted in me being forced to realize that this is MY broken life that is being pieced together. I can’t disassociate from it anymore. I have to face the good, the bad, and the ugly. The good is that I no longer have to wear the heavy burden of an #abused and #neglected child in secrecy. The good is that I am letting my walls down and taking steps to know my maternal family.
The bad is that I’m no longer “protected” by my former defense mechanisms. The bad is that I now feel very overwhelmed.
The ugly is that with those overwhelming feelings and lack of my former defense mechanisms, I’m very #depressed. I’m irritable. I’m numb.
Here’s another good, though. I never ever used to allow myself to feel. I always hid any negative emotion with a smile, and false happiness because that is what my abusive stepmother told me I had to do. I HAVE to go through the sadness, anger, and depression that I pushed off my entire life in order to heal. Healing doesn’t come from masking those things, it comes from facing them.